PONDERING ON GRIEF

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Hey All,

I know. I know. This is not my usual  tone of post, and probably not the best thing to be talking about on “Hump Day” but the recent first anniversary of the death of someone dear to me has me pondering a lot of things. Like what’s important in life. And about trauma and healing and the scars that are left behind.

Someone once said that time heals all wounds, but I don’t know that I agree with that.

I think, rather, that we learn how to live with the “wound”, that we learn to put it in a place in our hearts where we can deal with it most of the time.

For me grief has been like a body of water inside me and its tidal. When the tide is low, I can cope – the water is only lapping at the base of my belly, but then the tide comes in and I’m struggling to keep my head above water.

Maybe that’s because grief is accumulative. As we mature and life throws those curve balls our way our lake or river of grief slowly swells in size. Or maybe its because we need to somehow how find a way to release a little of our grief, like having a safety valve so we’re not flooded by it. I truly wish I had one. What I wouldn’t give for one.

I’ve never allowed myself to grieve openly – not for anything. Not for any of my personal woes. Not for me the twelve year old child who was gang raped and tortured, not for me the young mother abandoned with three small children to care for, and not for the people I have in my heart that I have lost along the way. In my youth I never allowed myself to cry. Not once. I put on a brave face for everyone, hell, I put on a clown face, and I soldiered on. Or maybe more accurately, I tried to ignore it. If I didn’t acknowledge it, then it wasn’t real. I tried to outrun it.

It feels as if I have been running from grief most of my life, scared if I let it catch me I’ll drown in it. Unfortunately grief is persistent. No matter how fast and how far I’ve run it was always nipping at my heels, that tide threatening to overwhelm me. Maybe because I”m not as young as I once was, or maybe its just because I’m tired from all the running and dodging I’ve tried to do for so long but recently grief caught up with me. Now tears often seem but a breath away.
A brash young person I met in recent months told me “sometimes we have to suck it up” when I wasn’t my usual chirpy self, full of banter. I thought those words a tad harsh at the time but I guess that’s the resilience of youth – guess they haven’t experienced real grief yet. Or maybe they just don’t feel things as deeply. Who knows?

I once said in an interview that pain was universal but our experience of it was individual. Well, I think you can substitute the word grief in that statement. We’ve all experienced grief to some degree. It’s a universal emotion, but for each of us our experience of it is unique to us alone.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to learn to swim.

 

8 responses to “PONDERING ON GRIEF

    • Aah, the young – they can be a little cruel and thoughtless at times can’t they? Pity it often takes age to make us kinder and more understanding to our fellow man.

  1. Aww Lily, what a thoughtful post. I think you’re amazing. Nuff said…and as for sucking it up, well perhapI s that brash young person should walk a mile in your shoes before sticking their half Penneth in! If you ever need a swim buddy, I’m there lovely girl! We can blub together. Smooches and hugs! ❤

    • Thank you, Macky – nice to know I have someone to blubber with.
      Ironically, that person had supposedly been grieving themselves and I spent hours comforting them and passing cyber tissues. I guess we can all at times get caught up in our own problems and forget other people have them too.
      LOL, let me know if I fall guilty to that!

  2. I wish I had some good words that would make you feel better. Sadly I do not. But when the swell gets too much, just remember there are many people who wouldn’t say suck it up, but rather, here’s my shoulder to cry on. Just remember that they exist and they care and don’t be afraid to lean on them when you need to. That way, even if time doesn’t heal the wound, you will be able to carry it a bit easier.

    • Thanks, Andy, for taking the time to stop by. If anyone knows how busy you are, its me!
      I’ll try not to wear a hole in those broad shoulders of yours!
      Hugs
      Lily

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